


Ghosts That We Knew

by Lise



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Avenger Loki, Depression, Gen, Gen or Pre-Slash, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Loki Has Issues, M/M, Melancholy, Steve Needs a Hug, a lot of characters talking, not tagging for some story elements because spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-14
Updated: 2017-06-14
Packaged: 2018-11-14 02:30:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11198580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lise/pseuds/Lise
Summary: May 4th, 2012: an alien comes to Earth warning of an impending invasion. Earth's Mightiest Heroes are there to stop it.In the months after, Steve notices something weird going on with Loki.





	Ghosts That We Knew

**Author's Note:**

  * For [100indecisions](https://archiveofourown.org/users/100indecisions/gifts).



> First of all: thank you so much to my recipient for giving me such a great list of prompts. There were so many good ones it was difficult to choose just one to go off of. I hope you like what I ended up going with. 
> 
> I also owe thanks to a number of others who shall remain unnamed for the moment but all of whom were immensely helpful through this process, including my beta, who actually edited this twice: once to reassure me that I wasn't totally failing what I was trying to do, and once the actual finished product. 
> 
> Enjoy!

On Friday, May 4th, 2012, an alien came to Earth and warned of an invasion that would follow unless they listened very, very closely. 

Steve had only been out of the ice for maybe a week when Fury sent him to the Mojave Desert, where he met Loki for the first time, sitting in a clear circular cell with two layers of some kind of high-tech polymer, several gas vents in the walls and electric circuits in the floor that could be set off with the touch of a button. Nobody answered Steve when he asked what the hell it’d been built for in the first place. 

Steve’s first impression of Loki himself was that there was something ever so slightly wrong about him. Not just the fact that he looked like he’d spent a straight month sitting in the dark somewhere not sleeping, but something else, like the whine of an insect around Steve’s ear. Loki never talked to him directly, though. Hardly even looked at him, or anyone else. When he spoke, Steve had the odd feeling he was reciting from a script. 

It was largely down to Loki that the invasion, when it did come, failed utterly. And that was it. The new team - someone had taken to calling them  _ Avengers -  _ formed up, dealt with the threat, and never quite disbanded. 

Steve only heard later that apparently Loki had begged to be let out, to be given the chance to fight. That he’d seemed convinced he needed to be there, for some reason, and when they finally gave him the news that the aliens had been beaten back he’d just gone quiet.

SHIELD let Loki go after the fight was over, and the second time Steve saw him was at ground zero of the whole thing, standing and staring up at the sky with a strange look on his face. 

“We won,” Steve said carefully. Loki twitched and turned his head just a fraction.

“It seems you did,” he said. Steve noticed the altered pronoun. 

“We couldn’t’ve pulled it off without your help,” he offered. 

Loki flinched and made an odd noise in the back of his throat. “You have no idea,” he said, and walked away, leaving Steve to stare after him in confusion. 

* * *

“Your brother is a ghost,” Tony said. Thor’s eyebrows lifted. 

“Pardon?” 

“A ghost,” Tony repeated. “You know, spooky, pale, appears and disappears randomly, surprising everyone around him...I’m not wrong, am I?” 

“You’re not wrong,” Clint said, glancing sidelong at Thor. “It’s weird.  _ He’s  _ weird. What’s the deal?”

Thor looked uncomfortable. “Has Loki caused some trouble?” 

Natasha looked like she was barely holding back from rolling her eyes. “No, Thor,” she said. “He hasn’t. Some people are just jumpy.” 

“Yes he has,” Tony said. “He surprised me the other day and I spilled my drink. Total waste of good gin.” 

“The world weeps for you,” Clint said. Bruce made a muffled noise that might have been a snort. Thor’s worried expression didn’t abate. 

“I’ll speak to him,” he said slowly. 

“Or we could just put some bells on him,” Clint suggested. 

“Loki knows he doesn’t need to sneak around or anything, doesn’t he?” Steve asked, directing it at Thor. 

“I have told him as much,” Thor said, brow furrowing further. “That he is welcome to join us. I do not know why he does not do so, except perhaps that Loki has always been...solitary.” 

“I’m serious about those bells, though,” Clint said. “It gives me the creeps.”

Steve felt a prickling on the back of his neck and half turned just in time to see a flash of green vanish around the corner. He felt a sudden stab of guilt for - well, gossipping - and stood up. “I’ll be right back,” he said, and walked after Loki. 

He wasn’t entirely sure why he didn’t just tell Thor. Maybe because it seemed better to have someone else at least make an effort rather than leaving Thor the only one who really seemed to talk to Loki at all. Which he was - not that Loki made much of an effort to be sociable. The opposite, really.

Steve half expected Loki to have vanished like the ghost Tony had called him, but he caught up to him not far away where he had paused standing in the hallway, head half turned to the side. “Captain,” he said, voice carefully measured. “Is there a problem?” 

“I wanted to apologize for talking about you behind your back,” Steve said, caught a little wrong-footed. Loki twitched a shoulder like he was shrugging it off. 

“It is no matter.” 

“I don’t know how much you heard,” Steve said slowly, “but you should know that you’re...welcome to join us.”

“No one has ever said otherwise,” Loki said, though there was something peculiar in his tone. Steve frowned at his back, wishing he could think of a way to say  _ can you look at me?  _ that didn’t sound wrong. 

“That doesn’t mean you don’t feel...unwelcome, for whatever reason.”

Loki did turn, finally. The look on his face was even more peculiar than his tone of voice had been. “I appreciate your saying so,” he said, still in that strangely measured voice. “But you need not concern yourself, Captain. As Thor said, I have always been solitary.”

Steve opened his mouth, and closed it. It wasn’t like he could  _ argue -  _ if Loki wanted to be on his own, that was that, and it wasn’t his business to try to talk him out of it. At the same time, it didn’t seem like Loki was  _ happy,  _ and it didn’t feel right leaving him isolated. 

“Well,” he said finally, “if you change your mind…or if you just wanted to talk to someone, I’m around.” 

Something drifted into Loki’s expression but it was gone before Steve could identify it. “Of course,” he said. “You are...gracious.” His lips twitched in an ironic smile that didn’t touch his eyes. “You may tell Barton and Stark that I will endeavor to be a little louder in their presence.”

He turned and glided off. Steve half expected to see him vanish halfway down the hallway. He frowned after him, something nagging at the back of his mind.

* * *

Avengers or no, when there was nothing to avenge life went on. Tony had his business to run, Clint and Natasha had SHIELD to occupy them, and Bruce spent most days buried in the lab. That left Steve, Thor, and Loki, the three of them at loose ends. Thor usually tried to chivvy Loki into exploring with him, but more often than not ended up going off alone, or with Jane. 

Steve had a job offer from Fury sitting on his desk, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to take orders from SHIELD. He respected Fury, and believed, more or less, in their good intentions, but he didn’t think he could trust them. 

So he picked up volunteer work instead, and filled up his time with that.

He made his second attempt at approaching Loki armed with a purpose. He had to ask JARVIS where Loki was staying, which made him jarringly aware that he hadn’t known before. 

Steve knocked on the door and waited. He was about to knock again when it opened with no warning. Loki looked briefly surprised to see him, though he quickly wiped his face clean. 

“Captain,” he said. “If you are looking for Thor, I do not know where he is.” 

“I’m not looking for Thor,” Steve said, though it made something twist in his chest that that had been Loki’s first thought. “And you know you can call me Steve.” 

“Mmm,” Loki said. “Then what is it?” 

“I thought I’d ask if you were interested in joining me.” 

Loki’s eyebrows lifted a fraction. “To do what?” 

“I’m volunteering with an organization called Habitat for Humanity,” Steve said. “They build houses for people who don’t have much money. I figure I might as well use my heavy lifting for something other than punching aliens.” He smiled, weakly, though in the face of Loki’s impassive expression he was starting to wonder why he’d thought this was a good idea. If Thor couldn’t talk Loki into doing  _ fun _ things with  _ him,  _ why would Loki be interested in  _ working  _ with Steve?

Loki cocked his head a fraction to the side. “And you are asking me to...come with you.” 

“Yeah,” Steve said, trying not to let his doubt become audible. “I thought maybe you could use something to do.”

Loki stared at him for a long time, and then sort of shrugged. “Very well,” he said, and Steve blinked, though he quickly tried to cover his surprise. 

“All right,” he said. “We’ll take a car - we’re out in Queens, today.”

Steve watched Loki out of the corner of his eye on the crawling journey to the Queens Midtown Tunnel before finally speaking up. “So,” he said, “You seem to be, um. Adjusting to Earth pretty well.” 

Loki’s lips twitched like Steve had said something vaguely funny. “I suppose I am.” 

Steve chewed on the inside of his cheek. “Do you miss Asgard? Thor talks about going home sometime soon.” 

Loki gave Steve a quick, surprised look. “You do not know?” 

“Know what?” Steve asked. Loki exhaled sharply, looking faintly displeased. 

“I am an exile,” he said. “I cannot go back to Asgard unless it is to a prison cell. I suppose it is not terribly startling that Thor should choose not to mention it.” 

Steve was glad they were stopped at a red light so he could stare at Loki. “Why?” He asked. 

“A small matter of treason,” Loki said, his voice flat. “If you do not mind, I do not particularly wish to discuss it further. You may ask Thor if you require details.” 

“That’s...all right,” Steve said slowly, though privately he thought he  _ would  _ like to ask Thor, and might have to. Treason? “I’m...sorry.”

Loki glanced at him. “Why be sorry? It was not your doing, and it is not unjust. Truthfully, it is mercy. The All-Father would be within his rights to have me executed.”

Steve swallowed, a nervous little chill going through him. Loki sounded almost indifferent to the idea. “The All-Father...Odin. He’s your father, right?” 

Loki hesitated. “No,” he said. “I am not his blood.”

Thor hadn’t mentioned that, either. Steve was starting to wonder if there was a lot Thor hadn’t mentioned. “Oh,” he said. Loki had said it very matter-of-factly, but there was something about the look on his face that made Steve think it mattered more than he wanted to let on. “Well, clearly Thor doesn’t think that matters,” he said. “And maybe that’s why...I can’t see anyone wanting to kill their son.” 

Loki’s lips did that strange little twitch again, like Steve had said something funny. “You do not know the All-Father.” 

Steve wanted to ask...something. He had that nagging feeling again, like there was a question he ought to be asking but he couldn’t remember what the question was. Something that would break through the layer of remove that seemed to be separating Loki from everything around him.

Because that was it, Steve realized. Loki acted like he wasn’t quite part of the world, like he was just walking through it and observing from a distance. Steve knew how that felt. He still felt it, sometimes. 

“I’m just sorry you can’t go back,” he tried. “I know it’s...hard, not being able to go home.” 

Loki shook his head slowly. “Asgard isn’t my home,” he said. “It hasn’t been for a long time. Even if I did go back, I wouldn’t fit there.” He made a little sound, almost a laugh. “Of course, I am not certain I fit  _ here  _ either.”

“I know the feeling,” Steve said. 

“Yes,” Loki said after a brief pause. “I suppose you do.”

* * *

The afternoon... went all right. 

Loki did the work, and he did it well - he only needed to be shown how to do anything once. If Steve had hoped that he would relax, though, he was disappointed. Loki kept to himself, rebuffed attempts by the other volunteers to engage him in conversation, and when they broke for lunch, he vanished. 

Steve went looking for him and found him not too far away, sitting on a bench with a cat - probably feral, by the looks of it - sniffing his fingers. 

“Is everything all right?” He asked. 

“Quite,” Loki said. Steve frowned. 

“Really,” he said, infusing his voice with skepticism. Loki glanced up at him, something sharp and faintly unpleasant in his eyes. 

“So quick to doubt,” he said. His tone of voice was strange, not one Steve had heard from him before. “Afraid I’m hatching some nefarious plan?” 

Steve jerked, taken aback. “Why would I think that?”

Loki’s expression flickered, faint confusion and then weariness before both vanished into a faint, ironic smile. “I did just tell you I committed treason against my home. A little mistrust would be understandable.” 

“I just wanted to make sure you weren’t in any trouble,” Steve said, though he did have to wonder what exactly Loki  _ had  _ done. If it had been that bad, surely Thor wouldn’t defend him, Steve told himself. “And make sure you knew you’re welcome to eat with the rest of us.” 

“I am aware,” Loki said. He seemed to expect that would make Steve leave. After a moment, he did; it wasn’t like he could  _ make  _ Loki join them. 

Loki surprised him in the car on the way back. 

“Thank you,” he said abruptly. 

“For what?” 

“Inviting me.” Loki shrugged. “If you were to invite me again, I might see fit to join you.”

“Might you,” Steve said dryly. Loki’s lips twitched, though this time he actually seemed at least a little amused. 

“I might.”

* * *

Steve hunted Thor down. “You didn’t mention that Loki was exiled,” he said, trying not to sound accusatory. Thor flushed, plainly embarrassed. 

“I...did not wish to.” 

“Why not?” Steve asked. Thor gave him a weary look.

“Is it not obvious? Loki is already an outsider here. I did not wish to give any of you more cause to treat him as such, when his exile is - a matter of Asgard, not of Midgard.” 

Steve supposed that made sense. And wasn’t...so unreasonable, though he still didn’t like that Thor had just made that decision on his own for the rest of them. “He thought we already knew,” Steve said. “Maybe that’s part of why he’s been so…”

Thor blinked. “I suppose it could be,” he said, frowning. “When did this come up, if I may ask?” 

“Oh,” Steve said, a bit self-conscious. “I, um, brought him with me to do some volunteering. I want to try to...get him more involved.” 

There was a strange expression on Thor’s face. “And he agreed?” he said, and Steve realized belatedly that given how Loki had been treating Thor, that might sting more than a little. 

“I guess I just caught him at a good time,” he said, summoning a laugh. Thor did not so much as smile, his eyebrows furrowed. “Thor…”

“I feel sometimes that I hardly know my brother anymore,” Thor said, sounding almost like he was speaking to himself. “Sometimes he seems a stranger to me, and he looks at me like I am a stranger to him. I have tried...but speaking to him is like speaking to a wall, and I do not know what to say to break through.” Thor stopped, his expression spasming. “I am sorry, my friend. I should not trouble you with my woes.” 

“It’s fine,” Steve said quickly. “I’m...sorry.” 

Thor shook his head. “You need not apologize.” Looking away, he sighed. “I only wish...that I knew what transpired, in the year between Loki’s fall from Asgard and his coming here. I cannot help but think that if I knew, I might understand.” 

Steve frowned. “Loki’s fall?” 

Thor looked startled, and then embarrassed. “I suppose I...have not said aught of that, either.” 

“No,” Steve said, raising his eyebrows. “You haven’t. And Loki just said that he left Asgard.” Steve was beginning to feel as though there was a lot he didn’t know, and really should.

Thor sighed, looking as though he was trying to decide how to say something he didn’t want to. “The Bifrost was broken when he was standing on it,” he said finally. “I tried to...but he fell into the Void. We believed he was dead.” 

A flash of a snowy ravine and a train and reaching out, just a finger’s length away. Steve slammed the door on that thought. “Until he turned up here.” He paused. “Should I ask what you mean by ‘into the Void’?”

Thor paused, and then shook his head. “I would not know how to answer,” he said. “Truly. We thought that...nothing was there. But clearly, the Chitauri were. I must wonder what else.”

Steve’s thoughts went to how Loki had looked when he’d first seen him: gaunt, sallow-skinned, exhausted. It’d been clear Loki had no affection for the Chitauri; at least some of what had happened seemed clear to Steve. 

“Have you asked?” He asked. Thor gave him another weary look.

“Of course,” he said. “But Loki gave me no answer.”

* * *

Steve didn’t sleep much. 

He joked about it -  _ I slept for seventy years, I’m all caught up -  _ but the truth was that he hated it, hated the feeling of losing control, the sensation of falling, the fear that he’d wake up with decades gone by. A couple times he woke up frozen, unable to move, half certain he was still encased in the ice he could almost remember. 

So he spent a lot of nights awake. 

Tonight his room was feeling too small, too close, so he left, going up to the roof. The city was a lot brighter now, but he liked looking at it, something still soothing about the lights, everything far enough away that it didn’t feel quite so different. 

The roof wasn’t empty. Someone was sitting on the edge, legs hanging off the side, and as Steve got closer he realized it was Loki. 

“Hello, Captain,” Loki said, not turning. “You are up late.” 

“So’re you.” Steve walked a little closer. “Can’t sleep?” 

Loki tilted his head back, looking up at the sky. “I have less need of it than humans do.” 

“Thor sleeps,” Steve said, not sure why he pointed it out. Loki said nothing. It made Steve unaccountably nervous, him sitting like that on the edge, legs dangling into open air. 

“You know something of bad dreams, do you not?” Loki said at length. Steve twitched, but Loki didn’t appear to require a response. “If my presence here troubles you, I can go elsewhere.” 

Steve felt an odd little squirm in his stomach. “You were here first.” 

“Perhaps,” Loki said, “but you belong here.”

Steve frowned. “And you don’t?”

“No,” Loki said. He sounded distant, faraway. “I do not.” He exhaled quietly. “I should have been there.”

“Been where?” Steve asked. 

“To fight,” Loki said. “It was my intention. I had everything planned out. It was so  _ neat.  _ This...isn’t.” 

Steve’s stomach squirmed again, and he walked over to sit down next to Loki, carefully not looking down. “What was neat?” He asked carefully. Loki glanced at him and seemed to shake himself. 

“Nothing,” he said. “It is nothing.” He stood, abruptly, and it seemed he swayed toward the edge before stepping back. Steve looked up at him, frowning. 

“Are you all right?” 

Loki laughed oddly. “Not really. But it is no responsibility of yours.”

“Sure it is,” Steve said stubbornly. Loki’s lips twisted. 

“You cannot save everyone, Captain,” he said. “And no matter how you try, none of them will make you forget the one you couldn’t.” Steve jerked back, hurt and anger and surprise tangling together. He felt his jaw clench, but Loki’s expression flickered again and he looked away. “Forgive me. I should not have…”

“No,” Steve agreed coldly. “You shouldn’t have.” 

Loki stared at him a moment longer, then left. Steve forced his fists to unclench, taking deep breaths to try to calm himself. 

He didn’t go back inside for a long time.

* * *

Steve didn’t see Loki for a couple days. Thor accosted him, demanding to know if he knew why Loki had shut himself in his room. Steve clenched his jaw and said he had no idea. 

A couple hours later, though, he was knocking on Loki’s door. There was no answer, and when he tried the handle it was unlocked. 

“Loki?” Steve said, stepping carefully inside, suddenly and irrationally worried that Loki had taken off somewhere, or something. 

If asked, Steve would have expected Loki’s quarters to be rich, decadent. Instead they were almost austere. There were a few shelves full of books, but on the whole it felt strangely impersonal, and almost too neat, untouched. Steve looked around, disquieted for reasons it took him a while to put his finger on. 

It was that distance again, he realized. The sense that Loki was living at one remove from the world, not quite part of it. 

“Did Thor send you?” 

Steve whirled around guiltily, though Loki’s voice just sounded weary. “No,” he said honestly. “He said you’d been barricaded in your room for the last two days. I guess that’s not true?” 

“Not entirely.” Loki stepped neatly around Steve and went to the kitchen, filling a glass from the sink. Steve eyed his back.

“Where were you?” 

“Elsewhere.” Steve frowned, and after a moment Loki’s expression twitched like he was going to laugh, though he didn’t seem amused. “Am I a prisoner, then? My movements to be circumscribed, reported to the proper authorities?” 

“That’s not it,” Steve said quickly, a little exasperated. “Thor was worried.”

“Heaven forfend Thor worry.” Loki shook his head, staring at his glass. “I am fine. You may go.” 

Steve wasn’t about to be dismissed. “Something’s wrong, isn’t it?” 

For a moment, Steve thought Loki was going to say something, but then he just set down the glass and turned to look at Steve, his expression bored. “No,” he said. “It really isn’t.” 

_ Fine,  _ Steve thought.  _ Fine, if that’s how you’re going to be,  _ and left. He didn’t feel satisfied, though. He felt like he was missing something. He  _ knew _ he was missing something, something Loki wasn’t saying.

He should just leave well enough alone. Loki didn’t want help, and Steve wasn’t going to wear himself out beating his head against that brick wall. 

Still, Thor came back to him the next day. “What did you say to Loki?” He asked. Steve blinked. ‘

“I didn’t say anything. Or - why?” 

“He is speaking to me again,” Thor said, frowning. “He said that you…” 

Steve shook his head slowly. “I don’t know,” he said. “I told him you were worried. I can’t think what else it would be.” 

Thor seemed unconvinced, but he let it go. It bothered Steve, though, nagged at him, and next time he saw Loki making tea in the kitchen he approached him. 

“You told Thor that I said something that made you start talking to him again,” he said. 

Loki paused only a moment, and he didn’t look toward Steve. “I may have said that.” 

“I can’t think of what it would be.”

“Perhaps merely the desire to avoid you wandering into my rooms again on his behalf,” Loki said coolly. Steve flushed. 

“I thought something might be wrong. That something might have happened.” 

Loki did look up then, his expression shifting and something dark crawling into his eyes. “That I might be  _ up  _ to something, perhaps?” 

Steve blinked, then shook his head. “No, like you might have gotten into some kind of trouble.” Loki had said something like that before, Steve remembered. Like he thought Steve expected him to do something  _ bad.  _ Maybe what he’d said about admitting his treason explained it away, but it still felt...odd. 

Loki looked at him a moment longer and then...deflated. One corner of his mouth twisted upwards. “I suppose I ought to thank you for your...concern. But really, you needn’t worry.”

Steve smiled a little humorlessly. “In my experience that’s usually what people say when there’s a reason to worry.” 

Loki snorted. “Is it? I suppose perhaps it is. Shall I rephrase, then? I already have one unwanted minder. I do not need another.” 

Steve jerked back. “I’m not trying to be a  _ minder, _ ” he said, stung. Loki raised his eyebrows, archly skeptical, and Steve exhaled harshly. “You know, you  _ really  _ don’t make it easy to talk to you.” 

“No, I do not,” Loki said. “One of my many intractable personality flaws. If you will excuse me.” He slipped out past Steve, mug in one hand. Steve stared after him, frowning and inexplicably annoyed. He’d probably  _ asked  _ for this, taking it on himself to talk to someone who seemed to have no interest in talking to anyone. 

The sensible thing to do would just be to give up. But that felt like admitting defeat, which Steve had never been very good at. 

Maybe he was just a glutton for punishment.

* * *

To Steve’s surprise, it was actually Loki who made the next move. 

“I expect you are going on one of your charitable excursions soon?” He said after showing up at Steve’s door, entirely without preamble. Steve looked at him and waited. Loki’s smile was thin and ironic. “It seems I need an excuse to avoid being corralled into going to some sort of fair with Thor and his lady love.”

_ Great,  _ Steve thought,  _ so I’m an excuse,  _ but, well, any help was help. “I’m leaving now,” Steve said, “but tomorrow-”

“Excellent,” Loki interrupted. “That was my hope. Shall we? I expect Thor will work out where I have gone any minute.” 

Steve balked. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.” 

Loki’s eyebrows rose. “Why not?” 

“I’m...the work I’m doing today. I don’t think you’d like it,” Steve said, trying to be delicate. Loki’s expression cooled, but his eyebrows stayed up and he cocked his head to the side. Steve sighed. “I’m visiting an old folks home. It’s mostly...being around people.”

Loki’s expression smoothed out further, and Steve tried not to grimace. “Can’t you just tell Thor you don’t want to go?” He said.

“Have  _ you  _ tried saying no to Thor?” Loki shook his head. “I am, it may surprise you to hear, perfectly capable of  _ being around people. _ ”

“If you don’t want to be, though,” Steve started to say. Loki cut him off. 

“I would like to join you, Captain. Please.” 

It was the ‘please’ that surprised him. Steve realized that he hadn’t heard Loki ask for anything. He must  _ really  _ want to avoid Thor and Jane. He hesitated, though, but if Loki  _ wanted... _ he couldn’t actually think of a legitimate reason to say no. 

“All right,” he said slowly. “If you’re sure you want to come.” He paused, and said, “if it’s just about avoiding Thor...you can wait somewhere else. You don’t have to come in and...do the work. But you should probably  _ talk  _ to him about it.”

Loki stuttered a humorless laugh. “Talk to him about it. Of course.” He twitched one shoulder. “I appreciate the offer, Captain, but if I am joining you then I am going to do it properly. I may as well try to do  _ something  _ useful with my time.” 

Steve gave Loki a sharp look, surprised by the bitterness in his voice, but Loki looked back at him with perfect equanimity. 

What could he say? 

They ran into Thor on the way down. He looked back and forth between them, frowning, but Loki spoke up before Steve could say anything. 

“I am accompanying Captain Rogers on an errand,” he said loftily. “So I am afraid I will not be able to join you today.” 

Thor’s expression flickered with hurt that made Steve want to wince. “Tomorrow, then?” 

Loki blinked slowly, his expression remaining cold. “I anticipate being busy then as well.” He glanced at Steve, eyebrows delicately lifted. “Shall we? I shouldn’t want to be late.” He glided toward the door. Steve sighed, gave Thor an apologetic glance, and followed after. 

“You’re cruel to him,” he said, while they were waiting for the subway. Loki glanced at him sidelong, barely. 

“Am I?” 

“Yes,” Steve said. “He’s your brother, and you treat him like you don’t know his name.” 

Loki’s lips twisted. “It is the better alternative, trust me.” 

Steve gave him an incredulous look. “How do you figure?”

Loki was quiet for a moment, then huffed a laugh. “Thor doesn’t know me so well as he thinks he does. He is happier that way.” 

Steve turned to look more directly at Loki, feeling a touch of anger on Thor’s behalf, and suddenly guilty for enabling Loki today. “Doesn’t seem like he agrees.” 

“He would not,” Loki said, a touch of something strange and faintly unhappy in his voice. “That  _ is  _ Thor for you.”

Steve frowned. “What is?” 

“Hanging onto things well past the point of wisdom,” Loki said. “Fighting losing battles.”

“What losing battle?” Steve asked doggedly. Loki shook his head and didn’t answer.

* * *

Steve signed himself in and opened his mouth to tell Loki what he needed to do, but he was already writing his name on the line underneath. Steve expected him to use a fake name, though he couldn’t have said why, but the form said  _ Loki Laufeyson  _ right under  _ Steve Rogers.  _ He didn’t recognize the last name, and wondered if it had something to do with Loki’s mention of being adopted.

“I’m helping serve lunch today,” he told Loki, who was looking around with a peculiar expression on his face. “You can…”

“Are the people here sick?” Loki asked. 

“Some of them,” Steve said carefully, looking around and wondering if he shouldn’t pull Loki outside. He hadn’t considered the possibility that there wouldn’t be anywhere like this on Asgard. Maybe they were all eternally young there. 

“Only some?” Loki’s frown deepened. “What of the others?” 

“They’re...when people get older, sometimes they need extra care,” Steve started to say awkwardly, but Loki made a sharp slashing motion with one hand. 

“Yes, yes, I am aware. That isn’t the point. What of their families? Their kin?” 

“Oh,” Steve said, and shifted. He could kind of see what Loki was saying. Even back in  _ his  _ time, it would’ve been strange. Family stayed with family. 

_ His time.  _ Steve grimaced inwardly. He had to stop thinking of it that way; it wasn’t  _ his time  _ anymore.

“Well...their families may not be able to take them in. Or they might not have any family left, or…” He trailed off, on the point of asking  _ why does it matter to you?  _ He managed to hold that back, which was good. It would’ve been tactless, to say the least, and wasn’t it a good thing for Loki to be asking?

Loki made a sort of  _ hm  _ noise at the back of his throat that suggested he didn’t find that explanation satisfactory, and didn’t seem to notice that Steve was staring at him. A moment later Loki shook himself, though, and smiled, though it seemed insincere. “You were saying, before I interrupted?” 

“Right,” Steve said. “I was...I’m going to be helping with lunch. You should probably talk to Molly about where she needs help today. I can help you find her-”

“No,” Loki said, hardly glancing at Steve. “No, that’s all right. I can handle myself. Go on.” 

Steve hesitated. “I’m not sure if…”

Loki stiffened, his eyes narrowing. “Do you think I am going to  _ harm  _ someone? Attack these people?” There was a distinctly dangerous note in his voice that took Steve aback and also made the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end. 

“No,” he said, giving Loki an odd look. “Of course not. I just don’t want to abandon you without making sure you know what you’re doing.”

Of all things, Loki looked...disoriented. He recovered quickly, but it’d been there for a second, like Steve had just run smack into him when he hadn’t been watching where he was going. “I do not imagine it can be that difficult,” he said with a thin smile. “But if you must, take me to this ‘Molly’ and I can manage from there.”

Steve opened his mouth to say he didn’t think that was a good idea, checked himself, and made himself nod. “All right,” he said. “Let’s check her office.”

She was there, at least. Steve introduced Loki and watched, fascinated, as he charmed her seemingly without any effort at all. And Steve didn’t think he really  _ was  _ trying: just putting in the bare minimum of effort, which apparently was more than he offered anyone in the Tower. 

He went, after watching for just a couple minutes. He didn’t want to be late for his shift.

* * *

Steve lost track of time talking to Ginevra about her grandson (teaching English in Beijing, apparently), and realized that he’d been meant to leave thirty minutes earlier.  _ Loki,  _ he thought, with some amount of dread, and hurriedly excused himself. 

“I’ll be back next week, Ginny,” he assured her. Loki wasn’t waiting in the entry hall, though. He tracked Molly down copying some forms and asked if she’d seen him, wondering anxiously if Loki had gotten sick of waiting and just left without him. 

“Oh,” Molly said, “your friend? I’m guessing he’s still with Ruth. She seemed quite taken.” She smiled, and Steve blinked. 

“What...is he doing?” 

“Just talking with some of the residents,” Molly said. “I’d check down the hall on the right, in the lounge.” 

A little bemused, Steve followed her indications. He paused in the doorway, looking for Loki, and found him indeed sitting across from an elderly lady in a wheelchair and playing backgammon. He was leaning his chin on one hand and listening seemingly to a story she was telling. The smile on his lips was small, but Steve realized with a bit of a start that it looked genuine in a way that few of his expressions ever did. 

No, he realized. Not just genuine, but...present. Like that sense of being removed was gone. 

Loki leaned forward and said something that made the lady - Ruth - laugh. Loki looked briefly pleased with himself, only to seemingly realize he was being watched and turn. 

He saw Steve and it was like watching a screen come down. Steve walked over, managing not to sigh. 

“It seems I must go,” Loki was saying. “Have a pleasant day, Ruth. Thank you for teaching me.” He bowed gracefully.

“Of course,” Ruth said, smiling. “You’ll come back?” 

“I certainly hope so.” Loki turned to Steve. “Shall we?” He said, and strode toward the exit.

He did not offer to introduce Steve.

Catching up with Loki was easy, but they walked back to the subway in silence. Steve watched Loki out of the corner of his eye, thinking; trying to dig through what he knew and didn’t know about Thor’s brother. The latter was a long list. 

So it wasn’t, apparently, that Loki was so tightly wound with  _ everyone.  _ Just Thor, and him, and the rest of the Avengers. But here, apparently...

“You seemed to be...enjoying yourself,” Steve said carefully, while they were standing on the platform. Loki glanced at him sidelong. 

“I do not know that  _ enjoying myself  _ is the right turn of phrase.” 

“Well, something about this worked for you like building houses didn’t,” Steve said. Loki studied Steve a moment longer, and then shrugged. 

“It is a place of lonely people.” It wasn’t exactly an explanation. Steve waited, and after several seconds Loki added, “I suppose I can relate.” 

Steve blinked, a little surprised. “Yeah?” 

There was a flash across Loki’s face like he regretted saying it. “Mm.” 

“If you’re lonely,” Steve said, “you know you’d-”

“Be welcome at your social gatherings? You have said.” There was something sharp and dismissive about Loki’s voice. He shook his head. “You of all people should know that loneliness may have little to do with one’s companionship.” 

Steve stiffened. “What’s that supposed to mean?” 

Loki’s lips twisted at one corner in a faintly unpleasant smile. “I thought it was straightforward enough.” 

Steve set his jaw. “Are you trying to annoy me to distract me from what you admitted?” Loki said nothing, but his nostrils flared, slightly. 

“I have learned I do not much like the subway,” he said abruptly. “I shall find my own way home.” Between one blink and the next, he vanished. Steve stared at the place he’d been standing, frowning hard enough that he noticed people giving him wary, sidelong looks. 

He schooled his face to try to look a little friendlier, though he wasn’t sure how well it worked.

* * *

Steve woke up with his heart pounding and covered in icy sweat from a dream where Red Skull had survived and was running for mayor of New York, and Steve kept trying to tell people who he really was but no one seemed to be listening. 

He got up to go get a glass of water and ended up on the stairs to the roof. Loki was there, and Steve wasn’t sure whether he’d expected that and hoped for it. 

“Hey,” he said, to make sure Loki knew he was there, though he suspected he’d been aware since before Steve had even opened the door. 

“Greetings, Captain,” Loki said without turning. “How often  _ do  _ you come up here?” 

Steve shrugged. “Every so often. What about you?” 

“More often than that.” Steve supposed that was a fair answer, given his. “There may not be any stars to watch, but the wind is...clarifying.” 

“Can you see a lot of stars on Asgard?” Steve asked, only belatedly realizing that might be a sore subject. Loki only twitched slightly, though. 

“Yes,” he said. Steve waited for elaboration, but none was forthcoming. 

“You used to be able to see more,” Steve said. “Back in...when I was a kid.” He found a laugh. “There’re a lot more lights now.”

“You miss it a great deal,” Loki said. Steve gave him a quick, sharp look, but Loki wasn’t looking at him. 

“Sometimes,” he hedged. “There are a lot of things to appreciate about the present. Food’s better, for one thing.” 

Loki nodded slowly. “Does telling yourself that convince you?” Steve stiffened again, but Loki lifted a hand and flicked his fingers, still not looking at him. “I do not mean to be cruel, or flippant. It is a sincere question.”

_ Not one I think I want to answer.  _ “Can I ask  _ you  _ a question?” 

Loki did glance at him sidelong, then, but only briefly. “You can ask,” he said, with only the slightest emphasis. 

“A couple of times,” Steve said, “you seem to think I’ll expect the worst of you. You seem surprised when I don’t. Why?” 

Loki’s head tipped back slightly and he was quiet for so long that Steve started to think Loki was ignoring him. Then he said, “it is a state of affairs I am used to.” It could have been a complaint, or a statement of self-pity, but oddly enough it didn’t sound like either. Just a statement of fact. “And not one that is entirely unwarranted.” 

Steve frowned. “Well, that hasn’t been my experience.” 

Loki tensed like he was going to say something, and visibly forced himself to relax. “Thus far,” he said, lower, and distinctly ominous. Steve eyed him. 

“Are you planning on that changing?” He asked, finally. 

Loki’s chin dropped and Steve realized that his eyes were closed. “No,” he said, sounding suddenly immeasurably tired. “Probably not.” 

“Then we don’t have a problem,” Steve said. “And it might help your relationships with people in general if you didn’t assume that they did.”

Loki’s expression tightened and Steve thought he was going to snarl something. “And you think they do not?” He eventually said, but mildly. 

“I think they wouldn’t if you didn’t hold them all at arm’s length to begin with.”

Loki’s expression spasmed and he stood up abruptly. “Have a good night, Captain.” 

“Is that what you always do?” Steve asked sharply. “Every time a conversation gets a little bit personal, you just cut and run?” 

Loki stopped. He turned slowly, his expression very cold. “I do not see you in a rush to discuss your private thoughts, Captain,” he said. “I do not know what you want of me-”

“Maybe I want to get to know you,” Steve interrupted. 

Loki’s lips curled up at one corner in an ironic and bitter smile. “No,” he said. “You really do not.” 

“I can make up my own mind on that,” Steve said flatly. Loki’s expression smoothed out. 

“Captain,” he started, and then stopped, and shook his head slightly. “Have a good night,” he said, and slipped back out.

* * *

Steve had moved his visits to the home from monthly to weekly, and Loki had slipped into joining him without asking. Steve let him, without protest. He didn’t see Loki talking to anyone again - he was always waiting for Steve in the lobby, expressionless except for a slight quirk of his eyebrows. Nothing much seemed to change, but Loki kept going.

“You like this,” Steve said at one point, as they were walking back. He’d taken to doing that instead of taking the subway, since Loki avoided the latter like the plague. “Visiting these people, I mean.” 

Loki shrugged one shoulder. “It is a way to pass the time.” 

Steve gave him a hard look. “There are a lot of other ways to pass the time.”

“Not so many as you would think.” Loki’s voice was cool, aloof. Steve pressed his lips together.

“Would it hurt you to admit that you enjoy something?” 

“It might,” Loki said. Steve turned his head sharply to stare at him, but Loki seemed distracted. 

“What does that mean?” He asked.

Loki shook his head. “It hardly matters.” 

“I asked. It matters to me.” Steve turned his head forward. “I just don’t understand why you don’t want…” He realized that Loki had stopped abruptly several steps back, staring up at the sky.

Steve turned with him and looked where he was looking. “What’s-”

He broke off, just catching a glimpse of a streak of fire through the sky before the dull boom of impact, close enough that Steve felt it through his feet. Loki hissed something under his breath. 

“Do you know what that is?” Steve asked, already moving. 

“Possibly,” Loki said shortly, and then vanished. 

Steve swore. “Loki!” He shouted, but he didn’t pop out from behind a building. If he’d taken off back to the tower…

There was a dull explosion. A plume of smoke went up.  _ No time,  _ Steve thought grimly, and took off running, hoping that he could at least hold off whatever it was until help arrived. 

He pushed through the people fleeing the other way and burst out onto a near empty street, staring at a green...bubble that was pushing people back from what looked sort of like a man made out of magma. And Loki standing inside it, his feet planted and a good half of his shirt burned off. 

Steve banged a hand against the bubble. “Loki!” He said, hoping he could hear him, and almost fell flat on his face when the barrier vanished. If he tried punching that thing he was going to end up with third degree burns. Steve looked for a car door he could use and found one, wrenched it off. The monster - alien? - seemed to be focused on Loki for the moment, who was dodging around its attempts to punch him until it breathed fire right into his face. 

Steve shouted, running to help (if he  _ could,  _ the metal of a regular door might just  _ melt  _ on this thing) but Loki had vanished and appeared behind the thing, driving a knife between where its shoulder blades would be. Steve jumped the last distance and slammed his makeshift shield into its face before it could turn. 

It staggered back, and Loki’s fingers flicked and twisted. Ice spread from the knife in its back, dousing the flames. It switched from attacking to trying to claw itself free, but its movements were slowing. The last of the fire died and it went still. 

For just a second Steve thought Loki looked different, but when he blinked all he looked was...singed. 

“What...was that?” Steve asked. 

Loki frowned at his ruined shirt. “A construct of magic and fire.  _ Skrímskeld _ . I don’t know if it was sent intentionally or otherwise.” He frowned. “Well. It is taken care of now.” 

Steve recognized the tone of Loki’s voice. “Wait,” he said, but Loki had already vanished. Again. 

He looked at the frozen monster in the middle of the street and sighed. 

* * *

Steve went to the infirmary after debriefing to talk to Loki, but didn’t find him there. Apparently he hadn’t shown up at all. Grimacing, Steve tried Loki’s rooms next. 

“Yes?” He heard when he knocked on the door, and at least he  _ sounded  _ all right, more or less. 

“It’s Steve,” he said. “Can I talk to you?” 

There was a pause. “A moment,” Loki said, just as Steve was starting to think he’d have to insist. The door clicked open and Steve blinked, momentarily startled by the fact that Loki wasn’t wearing a shirt, though that surprise flitted away quickly when he noticed the extensive pattern of burns across his torso. They looked worse without anything covering them at all. “Was there something?” Loki said, while Steve was still absorbing that. 

“I thought you were going to medical,” he said stupidly. Loki’s eyebrows twitched up. 

“Mm. No. It isn’t necessary and I’m not particularly inclined to have humans poking and prodding at me.” 

“But you’re…” Steve made a gesture indicating the burns, and Loki looked down at himself as though he’d forgotten. 

“Oh, this is nothing,” he said, which Steve choked on a little, but Loki had already moved on. “Do tell me  _ this  _ isn’t what you came for.” 

“Not exactly,” Steve said, trying to recover himself. “I wanted to talk about...what happened.” Loki cocked his head to the side. 

“What about it?” 

Steve stared at him, trying to decide if Loki was being obtuse or genuinely didn’t know what Steve was getting at. From what he knew about Loki, he was inclined to think ‘obtuse.’ “In the fight. You were lucky you didn’t get hurt worse, diving in like that without backup or a plan. You could’ve gotten yourself killed.” 

“I suppose,” Loki said. “It is always a possibility, isn’t it?” He smiled thinly, oddly. Steve narrowed his eyes. 

“You can make it  _ less  _ of a possibility by being careful,” he said. Loki’s eyebrows rose a fraction further. 

“An interesting thing to hear from a man who does not exactly embody caution himself,” Loki said. Steve tried not to scowl. “I am aware that caution typically reduces risks. Is that what you wanted to know?” There was something both faintly amused and not a little condescending about Loki’s tone, and it made Steve want to bristle. 

“If you know that you might want to put it into practice,” Steve said. Loki laughed. 

“Is this  _ worry? _ ” He shook his head. “I assure you, my safety is the  _ last  _ thing you need worry your handsome head about.”

Steve set his jaw. “You’re tough, but you’re not invincible. Clearly.” He gestured at Loki’s burns, which still made him want to flinch, even if Loki hardly seemed to notice they were there. “And it’s not just about you.”

The amusement faded quickly. Loki looked at Steve, expressionless, and then sighed. “I know,” he said. Steve frowned, thrown. 

“So you’ll...be more careful.” 

“I will be careful not to take actions that will endanger others’ lives, yes.” 

_ And endangering your own life?  _ Steve stared at him again, trying to figure out what to say. Loki just looked back at him, blandly inexpressive. 

“Are you sure you don’t need...help?” He said slowly. Loki smiled very faintly. 

“No, thank you. Good day, Captain.” He closed the door quietly but firmly. Steve stared at it, troubled. 

He went to talk to Thor and found him cooking lunch for Jane, who was poring over a stack of papers and muttering to herself. “Steve!” Thor said, looking up and smiling, though it faded quickly. Steve wondered what kind of look was on his face. 

“Hi, Thor,” he said, summoning a weak smile. “Hi, Jane.” 

“Mm-hm,” Jane said, not looking up. Thor cast her a fond look before looking back at Steve.

“What is it?” 

“It’s Loki,” Steve said. “He had a run in with some kind of...fire creature? He’s fine,” he added quickly. “But…” He trailed off, realizing that he didn’t know exactly what he wanted to say. “Is Loki usually...reckless?” 

Thor’s expression did something strange. Steve couldn’t have said why he thought it, but he was certain Thor was about to lie. “Sometimes,” he said. “He has...moods, where he will act impulsively, thoughtlessly. Like me, he would say.” Thor’s smile looked strained. 

“Uh huh,” Steve said. He didn’t cross his arms, or raise his eyebrows, or anything. Thor fidgeted. 

“Why?” He asked. “Did he seem to be acting recklessly to you?” 

Steve hesitated, then shook his head. “I don’t know.” 

Jane made a frustrated noise and slammed down her pen. “This doesn’t make any sense,” she said. “None of these numbers  _ work. _ ”

“I told you,” Thor said, “Loki might be able to help you-”

“He could, but he won’t.” Jane sounded annoyed. Thor looked surprised, and she scowled at him. “I thought you knew that. I  _ did  _ ask, and he barely even glanced at me, and said - well, basically that.  _ I imagine it would be possible. _ ” Jane did a fair job of imitating Loki’s tone, if not his accent. “And then he swanned off.” She threw up her hands. “Thor, I know you love him, and I’m trying, but…”

Thor gave Steve a plaintive look. “May we continue this conversation later?” 

“I don’t have much else to say,” Steve said. “Maybe just...keep an eye on him.”

Thor’s forehead creased, but he nodded. Steve left, though there was still a vaguely unpleasant taste in his mouth. 

_ It is always a possibility, isn’t it?  _

* * *

Steve kept gnawing on the conversation with Loki for the next couple of days. He wondered if he should ask someone else for advice, someone other than Thor, but something held him back. Maybe the knowledge that Loki definitely wouldn’t want that. 

He didn’t see much of Loki, either. Even less than usual, and he caught himself worrying about it even as he tried to tell himself there was nothing to worry about. In the end, he found Loki in the first place he probably should have looked: on the roof, late at night. 

“Have you been avoiding me?” was the first thing Steve blurted out, and he winced. Loki turned his head and looked at Steve, eyebrows raised. 

“Pardon?” 

Steve flushed. “I haven’t seen much of you the past couple days. I was looking for you to go volunteering again, but you weren’t in your room. Or didn’t answer.” 

Loki smiled faintly. “And you didn’t just let yourself in?” 

“Should I have?” Steve asked, half sincerely. Loki’s smile faded. 

“No,” he said. “I was...recuperating.” 

Steve frowned. “I thought you said it wasn’t that bad.” 

“It wasn’t,” Loki said. “But healing still takes energy and time.”

“I see.” Steve squinted, not entirely sure he believed that, but not sure if he ought to push or question either. After a few seconds considering, he decided to leave it alone. 

“I am quite well now,” Loki said, with a thin and insincere smile. The renewed distance in his air made Steve realize how much of it had dropped away before. He held back the urge to frown. 

“That’s good to hear,” he said instead. “I was wondering.” 

Loki raised his eyebrows slightly. “You were worried?” There was some faint mockery in his tone, but Steve met his eyes levelly. 

“I was.”

For a moment Loki looked like he wanted to flinch. He turned away with a sigh. “There was no need for it. I was not avoiding you specifically.”

“Just people in general.” 

“Just so.” 

Steve moved forward to stand next to Loki and sat down. They were both quiet for a while. 

“Was there something you wanted to say?” Loki asked, just a bit of an edge on his voice. Steve shrugged. 

“I don’t know. Was there something you wanted to talk about?” 

“No.” Loki’s voice was flat and hard, effectively shutting off that line of conversation. Steve could push, but he had a feeling it wouldn’t get anywhere. He tried something else. 

“What do you want?” 

Loki gave him a startled look. “Beg pardon?” 

“What do you want?” Steve repeated. “It seems like you’re...I don’t know, waiting for  _ something.  _ What is it?” 

Loki blinked once, slowly. “That is a more complicated question than I think you know,” he said at length. Steve raised his eyebrows. 

“You could try me.” 

“What about  _ you? _ ” Loki asked. “What do you want, Captain?” 

Steve tried not to tense.  _ I don’t know. Don’t have any idea.  _ He didn’t want to say that, but… “I don’t know,” he said, daring a little more honesty. “A lot of times...I’m really not sure.” He made himself smile. “I’m working on figuring it out.” 

Loki studied him again, like Steve was a puzzle he was trying to solve. “I suppose my trouble is that I know what I want,” he said finally, “I just doubt there is any way to get it. At least not one of the things I want. Other things...others I simply haven’t worked out how just yet.” 

“Like what?” Steve asked, but Loki gave him a slender smile. 

“I must keep  _ some  _ secrets.” 

“You’re nothing  _ but  _ secrets,” Steve said, meaning it to be teasing, though it came out a bit disgruntled. Loki laughed oddly. 

“Secrets and lies, yes. That is what I am.” 

“I didn’t mean…” Steve trailed off. “You just do play things pretty close to the chest.”

“I know. Such is my preference.” 

“I know, but…” Steve sighed. Once again, he reminded himself, you can’t  _ make  _ him talk. “All right.” 

Loki seemed surprised. He cocked his head a fraction to the side. “You are a continual surprise,” he murmured softly. “Not at all what I would have expected.” 

Steve jerked. “Expected from what?”

Loki half smiled. “Well, you are famous. And I like to know about the people I live with.” He turned away. “I think I will seek my bed. Please excuse me.” 

“Of course,” Steve said. “Have a good night.”

Loki walked toward the door, then paused. “If you like,” he said suddenly, turning back toward Steve, “I can ward your dreams. It will not keep them out entirely, but it will help.”

Steve hesitated. His first thought was to deny that he needed help at all, but...he was exhausted. He knew he needed rest, if he wanted to be effective at all. The more sleep-deprived he was, the more likely it was that he’d screw up somehow and get someone killed. 

He nodded, slowly. “Sure,” he said. “All right. Thank you.” 

Loki walked over and set two fingers on Steve’s temples. He didn’t feel anything, exactly, except for a brief tingle and a wave of sleepiness. Looking up at Loki, he found him staring, a strange expression on his face. 

His hands fell away and he took a step back. “It is done,” he said. “It will only last a couple of nights, but I imagine any reprieve will be a good thing.”

Steve found a smile. “Thank you,” he said, meaning it. Loki flicked his fingers. 

“It is nothing.” He turned away again, and Steve reached out and caught his arm. 

“When I told you to be careful,” he said, “I didn’t just mean for other people.”

“I know you didn’t,” Loki said softly, removing his arm from Steve’s grasp. “You are a good man, Captain.”

“It’s Steve,” he said. “And Loki…” He floundered for the right words. He should know what to say. 

He didn’t. Loki gave him a small, crooked smile, and left.

* * *

“You’ve been spending a lot of time with Loki lately,” Natasha said. Steve paused, turning toward her. 

“I guess,” he said. “Why?” 

Natasha looked like she was considering her words carefully. “You should be careful.” 

Steve gave her a hard look. “Be careful? Of what?” 

Natasha shook her head. “I’m not sure, exactly. But something’s...not quite right.” She frowned. “He told us exactly how to beat the Chitauri.”

“You make that sound like a bad thing.” 

“No,” Natasha said, “but...he told us  _ exactly  _ how to beat them. How did he know? How did he know what they would do, and when? And more than that, how did he know so much about  _ us?  _ He hid it pretty well, but Loki knew way more than he should have about all of us. Our strengths and weaknesses and how we think. It was like he’d studied us before.”

Steve settled back on his heels and crossed his arms. “What are you saying?” 

“I’m not sure,” Natasha said after a brief pause. “Maybe it’s nothing. Or maybe Loki’s playing a long game, spying for someone. Or for himself. I don’t know, but all my instincts say something  _ is  _ off about him, and I can’t shake the feeling that he knows something we don’t.”

Steve found himself, to his surprise, feeling just a little bit defensive. “Have you talked to him about this?”

Natasha gave him a look. “To say what?  _ What are you hiding?  _ I’m not just going to throw that question out there without something more than suspicions and conjecture. Besides, I doubt he’d tell me the truth anyway, and with him I might not even be able to tell.” She shook her head. “I’m just saying - be careful.”

“Be careful of what?” Steve pressed. “What should I be looking out for?” 

Natasha’s eyebrows flicked up. “What’s the matter?” 

“What do you mean?” Steve asked. “I’m just trying to figure out what you think I should be doing differently.” 

“I didn’t say you should be doing anything differently.” She studied him, one foot tapping on the floor a couple times. “Why? Do  _ you  _ think you should be doing something differently?” 

“I don’t-” Steve exhaled harshly. “I genuinely don’t know what you’re getting at.” 

“Just that-” Natasha made an exasperated noise. “ _ Ugh.  _ I was just pointing out something I’d noticed. And wondering if you had a second opinion, maybe, since he talks to you more than just about anyone else, except maybe Thor.” 

_ Thor included,  _ Steve thought, but he didn’t think that would help. “He talks to me because he’s lonely and I’m willing to talk to  _ him, _ ” Steve said. Natasha made a little “hmm” noise like she didn’t quite buy that explanation. “It doesn’t seem like there’s anything nefarious going on, at least not to me. I’ll grant you that it’s weird, what you’re saying, but seems to me there’s a lot of weird to go around in this group.” 

The corner of Natasha’s lips tugged briefly. “You aren’t wrong there.”

Steve looked away. “I’ll be careful,” he said finally. “But I just don’t think there’s as much to be careful of as you seem to believe.” 

Natasha stood up. “I always love being wrong.” She pulled a bit of a face. “Well. At least about things like this.” 

Steve paused. “Have you...talked to others about this?”

“Clint,” Natasha said after a moment. “But no one else, no. Why?” 

“Could you...keep it to yourself, from now on? Unless something else comes up…” He shrugged one shoulder. “The more everyone else side-eyes Loki the less likely he is to ever work with the rest of us.” 

“Yeah,” Natasha said after a long pause. “All right. Barring any surprises, I can keep my thoughts to myself. And make sure Clint does, too.” 

“Thank you,” Steve said. His smile felt weak. “I appreciate it.”

* * *

“I heard you were leaving,” Loki said. Steve turned from packing, surprised, to see him hovering in the doorway like he couldn’t pass over the threshold. 

“Not forever,” he said. “Just for a little while. Mandatory leave, apparently.” His smile felt a little strained. He didn’t know that he would’ve taken it if it were up to him, but between Fury on one side and Natasha - and oddly enough, Tony - on the other, he’d relented. And it might be nice to see Europe when it wasn’t in the middle of a war. 

Loki’s expression twitched strangely before smoothing back to usual neutrality. “For how long?” 

Steve turned all the way around to look at Loki head on. “A month or so,” he said. “Why?” 

Loki’s eyes flicked to the side. “Curiosity, that is all.” He paused, and added, speaking quickly, “and it shall be terribly dull here without your company.”

Steve blinked. It was an unusually direct statement of - well,  _ affection  _ was the wrong word, but from Loki it might be as much. He studied Loki’s face, trying to get a read on what he was thinking. “You know there are other people here.”

“I am aware.” 

Steve raised his eyebrows. “You could try talking to them.” 

Loki’s lips twisted. “You don’t-” He cut off. Steve raised his eyebrows. 

“I don’t what?” 

Loki shook his head. Misery flickered across his expression briefly, then vanished. He looked at Steve, finally, something almost yearning in his eyes. “You sought me out, once. I am not accustomed to...I would not have expected…” He trailed off. “Everything is strange.” It sounded like he was speaking to himself more than to Steve.

Steve frowned. “It is right now,” he said. “But that’ll change.” He kept telling himself that, anyway. 

“You know that, do you?” Loki said, and laughed, though it sounded harsh and humorless. “Nothing ever really matters, does it? Nothing ever really changes.”

“Do you...want something?” Steve asked carefully. Loki looked at him, a strange, distant expression on his face. 

“I do not know,” he said. He walked forward, and Steve stood up. Loki stopped, barely under a foot away. “Do you?” 

“I don’t know,” Steve said.

“How do you stay grounded?” Loki asked, a strange note in his voice. “What holds you, in this world that isn’t yours?”

Steve jerked and felt his eyes widen. “What do you mean?” He asked, but he knew. Knew exactly, and too well.

“Captain,” Loki said, and kissed him. 

Steve was so shocked that for a moment he couldn’t move at all. Then for another moment he didn’t do anything about it, just stood there, blinking, registering absently that Loki was...pretty good at this. Then, finally, he managed to move his hands to Loki’s shoulders and give him a gentle push, stepping back. 

“Um,” he said. “Loki - that’s not, I’m not…”

Loki’s lips twitched at one corner, humorless. “No?” He said. Steve managed to shake his head, still a little shell-shocked. Loki looked away. “Very well, then.” 

He turned and walked away. Steve stared after him, an odd feeling in his chest. 

Steve caught himself touching his fingers to his mouth and made himself stop. Something nagged at him, prodding at the back of his mind. Something about Loki. The kiss, he realized. It’d been almost too much, something desperate, like Loki was trying to find something, or get something, and looking for it in Steve. Like kissing Steve would pull him back from wherever he was drifting.

Steve’s thoughts stuttered and stumbled over that, a little. Loki, kissing him. He didn’t know what to do with it, and he tried to push it out of his mind. 

It kept drifting back in, though, a long while later. He didn’t know what to do with that, either.

* * *

“Has Loki seemed...odd, to you, of late?” Thor asked.

Steve jumped, startled out of staring at a blank page in his notebook. His thoughts flashed to Loki kissing him and he pushed that hard away. “I haven’t really talked to him much since I got back. What do you mean?” 

Thor looked troubled. “I am not certain, exactly. It is...a feeling, some vague unease.” His frown deepened. “Difficult to pin down further, when he scarcely speaks to me at all. I thought perhaps you…” He trailed off hopefully.

_ Nothing ever really matters, does it? Nothing ever really changes.  _ Steve hesitated. “I’m not sure. I’d agree that something’s bothering him, but...I don’t know what.” 

Thor slumped, though it was very slight. “I suppose I should not be surprised,” he said. “Loki always kept his thoughts close.” He shook his head slowly. “Thank you for humoring me. I suppose I will have to try asking him again myself, for all the good it is likely to do.” Thor sighed. “And I will have to find him first, besides.”

“Why do you try?” Steve blurted out. “When he just keeps pushing you away?” 

Thor sighed. “Because if I give up,” he said, “it will be proof, to Loki, of what he thinks of me. That I do not care. That he does not matter.” 

Steve let him go. He looked outside at the setting sun and took the stairs up to the roof. 

Sure enough, Loki was there. He was standing right on the edge, close enough that it made Steve’s stomach clench nervously, and seemed to be holding very still. “Loki?” Steve called, when he didn’t acknowledge him.

“Hm,” Loki said. His voice was distant enough that it sounded almost dazed. “Come to keep me company?” There was an ironic twist to his voice that made Steve want to blush. 

He steeled himself and walked forward. “Thor’s looking for you.” Loki flinched slightly, and Steve hurried on. “I thought I might find you up here.”

“I do visit fairly often.” Loki didn’t turn to look at him, staring out at the horizon. “I wanted to...apologize. For my behavior. I should not have...presumed.” 

Steve felt his flush deepen. He cleared his throat. “Thanks, but...I’m not offended. Just surprised.” He hesitated. “It seemed like...it seemed like you weren’t even necessarily thinking of me.”

Loki was quiet for several moments. “Did it? That is not...entirely true. But not entirely untrue, either.” Steve shifted uncomfortably, wanting to ask  _ what do you mean, not entirely true,  _ but also...not wanting to ask. “I thought I might...ah well. It does not really matter.” 

_ Nothing ever really matters, does it?  _

“Maybe it does,” Steve tried. 

“It does not.” Loki’s voice was not harsh, but it was final. “I am certain of that.”

“Why shouldn’t it?” 

“Some things are just true.” Loki sighed. “You should go back inside. I am not fit company.” 

Something kept Steve’s feet planted. “If something’s bothering you, you  _ could  _ talk about it. It probably won’t kill you.”

“You don’t,” Loki said. “Talk about it.” He didn’t look at Steve, and it wasn’t exactly accusation, but Steve felt himself tense anyway. He made himself relax.

“Maybe I should,” he said, forcing his voice to stay even. Loki was quiet for a long time, staring out, seemingly at nothing.

“I am tired, Steve,” he said finally. It was the first time, Steve thought, he could remember Loki using his name. “I do not understand why it hasn’t ended yet.”

Steve blinked, frowning. “What do you mean? Why what hasn’t ended yet?” 

“This iteration,” Loki said. “I keep waiting, but...I had everything figured out. I was so sure. But then they wouldn’t let me go and so I am here, still alive, and for some reason I haven’t returned to the start. Which must mean that worse is coming.” 

Loki closed his eyes. Steve stared at him, stomach churning, not understanding. Maybe not willing to understand. 

“I have lived this before,” Loki said. “Or - not this. But similar. There are constants. I know every one. Or I knew. This is new. Strange. I do not know the pattern of it, which means perhaps something has changed, but I do not think it has.” 

“Loki…” Steve swallowed. “What are you saying?” 

Loki swayed forward, leaning out over the edge, and Steve stood frozen, his mind shrieking at him to grab him and pull him back. 

“I am saying it doesn’t matter,” he said. “Do you know why I come up here? Because I think someday soon I will find the courage to step off the edge and fall. It’ll start over again. And this time...this time I will do it right.” 

Finally, Steve moved. He grabbed Loki’s shoulder and pulled him back, away from the edge. “No,” he said harshly. “No, stop it. You’re not making any sense-”

“The first time, I meant to conquer your planet,” Loki said, looking him in the eye. “I brought the war, the Chitauri. I was beaten. Thor was going to take me back to Asgard. But I blinked and I was back in SHIELD’s facility, holding the scepter. Another chance. I thought I wanted to win. I thought I was being given a chance at victory. I was wrong.”

Steve’s throat closed.  _ That’s insane,  _ he wanted to say, but he could see it in Loki’s eyes. He was telling the truth. Or at least thought he was.

“Again,” Loki said, “and again and again. I died. I won and Midgard burned. I won and the Chitauri killed me. I lost and Thor killed me, Banner did, you did. Eventually I changed tactics. I changed sides. I was tired of fighting and I thought...it didn’t work. I tried to make you trust me. Several times, SHIELD imprisoned me, tortured me. I got better at playing the game. Made it further. And I understood, finally: I was never meant to win. I would do this one thing, this one  _ good  _ thing, and then I would die. Neat.  _ Clean. _ ” The corner of Loki’s mouth ticked up in that humorless smile that didn’t reach his eyes. “This time was the closest I’ve come. But I can tell it isn’t enough. Just one more time and I think I will have it.” 

Steve’s throat worked, staring at Loki in blank horror, though he managed to keep his grip on Loki’s shoulder. Finally he unstuck his tongue enough to say, “that’s impossible.” 

Loki’s eyebrows rose. “You said the same thing the first time I tried explaining this to you.” Steve stared at him, feeling as though he’d been punched in the chest. Loki sighed, and shook his head. “I do not mean to...let it go. Go downstairs. In five minutes you will remember none of this; none of you ever do.” 

Steve took a harsh, unsteady breath. “No,” he said. “You can’t think...do you really think if you jump off this building you’ll, you’ll what, wake up back in the Dark Energy Mission Facility?” 

“It is the quickest way to ensure a reset,” Loki said with perfect equanimity. “It’s always worked before.” 

A chill down his spine.  _ How many times…?  _ Steve wasn’t going to ask. His head was spinning, and all he could think to say was, “what if you’re wrong?”

Loki blinked like the possibility had never occurred to him. Which maybe it hadn’t. “Wrong about what?” 

“About - about it not being over,” he said. “You said that you’ve never had any of this-” he gestured around them, “happen before. So maybe - maybe that’s because you’re not stuck anymore, and you did...figure it out.” 

Loki looked at him, frowning faintly - but that was better than the thousand-yard-stare  _ through  _ him. “No,” he said slowly. “That’s not...I haven’t.” 

“How do you know?” Steve pressed insistently. His chest felt tight and he was too aware of how close they both were to the edge. Loki was stronger than he was. If he pulled away, or decided it didn’t matter if he took Steve with him…

Loki shook his head. “I know. I can feel it. The wrongness. Something is still - out of joint. This world - it isn’t right. I am not.” 

Steve took a deep breath through his nose. “Is it you or the world?” He asked. Loki blinked at him, uncomprehending, and he tried to rephrase. “Is it the world that’s - out of joint, or just you?” 

Loki’s expression flickered. He leaned back, tugging against Steve’s hand, but not hard, almost like he was checking to see if it was still there. His throat worked several times before he spoke. “I do not belong here.”

“Why not?” Steve asked stubbornly. Loki looked at him like he’d started barking, or asked why water was wet, and after a moment Steve forced a crooked smile. “Lot of times I don’t think I do either.” 

That got a slight frown. “Don’t be absurd.” 

“Why is it?” Steve shrugged. “Everyone I knew is dead, or about to be. A human couldn’t survive seventy years frozen in a block of ice, but somehow I did. What does that make me?”

“Exceptional,” Loki said. He shook his head. “You do not want to draw equivalencies between me and you, Captain, I assure you. What I’ve done-”

_ I meant to conquer your planet.  _ Steve suppressed a shiver. “Didn’t happen. Right? Never happened, if what you’re saying is true, because you went back and did things differently. So what you did before doesn’t matter.” He swallowed hard. “You said I - you said I killed you. Are you going to hold  _ that  _ against me? Say I’m a murderer even though we’re both here?”

Loki shook his head. “That’s different and you know it.” 

“I don’t,” Steve said.

“I was an enemy-”

“And you’re not now. You never were, not that I can remember.” Steve shook his head. “That’s not what matters. What matters is that - maybe you’re wrong. Maybe whatever was happening, it’s over now, you’re free. And if you...you won’t get another...do-over. You’ll just be dead.”

Loki’s expression flickered. “Would that be so bad?” Steve’s breathing snagged, and Loki cocked his head to the side. “You’ve wondered the same thing. You didn’t expect to live through your fall. I was not meant to live through mine.”

Steve cleared his throat twice before he could speak. “But you did,” he said. Made himself say, “we did. And you have to...keep going. Keep picking yourself up and just…” He trailed off, his stomach starting to ache. 

Loki smiled very faintly. “Do you believe that?” 

“I believe it enough.” Steve shook his head. “This isn’t about me.”

“Isn’t it?”  Loki’s eyebrows rose. “You want to save someone. Need to. It’s how you make it feel worthwhile, everything you’ve suffered.” 

Steve’s stomach clenched harder. “It’s not that simple.” Not that  _ abstract. _

“Why not?” 

“It’s not about saving  _ someone, _ ” Steve said. “It’s about you. And you mattering. To me.”

Finally, he seemed to have found something to say that silenced Loki. He stared at Steve, his face blank, but blank like he was trying hard to keep it like that. “You’re a friend,” Steve said. “I don’t have a lot of those.”

The deliberate blankness slipped a bit, revealing a flash of something raw and vulnerable. 

“That feeling,” Steve said slowly. “Like you’re...stuck. Waiting for something, and you don’t exactly know what for but you figure you’ll know it when it gets there. I know that feeling. I’ve had it all the time ever since I woke up in this century.” He shrugged. “There are a fair number of people who’ll tell you that I’m a relic.”

Loki looked almost offended. “That’s-”

“Sometimes I wonder if they’re not wrong,” Steve said. “The world’s different. Maybe too different. I don’t know. But I’m...here. I figure I ought to do something. Or at least try.” 

“I am not you,” Loki said. It sounded almost plaintive. 

“No,” Steve said, “obviously not. But I’m not sure you’re what you think you are, either.”  He was almost desperate, he found. He needed to do this. Needed to find the right thing to say. 

Loki inhaled, the sound a little ragged. “You say, what if I am wrong. But what if I am right? What if something worse is coming, and it can be - must be - averted, by my end? I can close the circle-”

“You don’t know,” Steve interrupted. “That’s just it, isn’t it? You don’t know what’s coming. How can you be sure you’re not supposed to be there? Maybe you are. And if it  _ does  _ come and you  _ do  _ start over again - won’t it be better to know?”

Loki’s eyes closed very briefly. “I do not want to watch you die.”

“Yeah, well,” Steve said, “I don’t want to watch you die either.”

Loki fell quiet. Steve could hear him breathing, slightly too rapidly. 

“Maybe,” Steve said quietly, “you feel like you don’t belong because you’re trying to live outside of the world. Holding everything at arm’s length and observing instead of living. That doesn’t...that’s a lonely way to live.” 

Loki dropped his head and looked away, his shoulders slumping. 

“I think perhaps I have forgotten how to live another way.” 

Steve swallowed hard past the lump in his throat. “You learn.” He took a step back, tugging Loki another step further from the edge. “You just...you learn.” 

Loki laughed, a little hollowly. “What an answer.” 

Steve tried to summon a smile. It felt weak. “It’s a work in progress.” 

“Isn’t it just.” 

Another step back from the edge. “Come on,” he said. “Let’s go inside. And...and next time you think about walking off the roof,” Steve swallowed. “Come find me. All right?” 

“Yes,” Loki said at last. “All right.” 

* * *

Once they were inside, Loki hesitated like he might stay, or say something, but he drifted off without speaking. Steve stayed up late drinking hot chocolate in one of the common rooms, his mind too busy to speak, eventually dozing off on the couch. 

It took him a moment of disorientation to remember how he’d gotten there, and the conversation of the night before, and then he felt a pulse of panic. He told himself Loki wouldn’t have just gone right back out and jumped after Steve dropped off, but he couldn’t quite suppress the fear that he might’ve done just that, or something equally stupid. 

Even as he got up, though, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes and about to ask JARVIS if Loki was in the building, Loki appeared holding a steaming mug that he raised in Steve’s direction.

“Coffee?” He said. Something about his posture seemed awkward, uncertain, and it was a strange thing to see on Loki of all people. 

Steve drew up a smile. “Thanks.” He took the mug and blew on it, waiting because he had the feeling there was more Loki wanted to say.

“I have two tickets for the New York Botanical Gardens,” Loki almost blurted. “It is supposed to be a fine day. Would you like to join me?” 

Steve blinked. He felt his smile warm, becoming more genuine. 

“Sure,” he said. “I’d like that.”


End file.
